Monday, January 1, 2018

Dear Diary #1: I Think I'm A Psycho?

When I was in year 4 I used to call the Kids Helpline just to hear the automated voice and then I'd hang up. 


I just wanted to know that there was someone there I could talk to if I really really needed it.


Because the thoughts racing around my head weren't your normal kid thoughts. 

And before anyone says "oh you clogged up the line for people who needed it" - I needed it. 

I just needed it in a different way. 

That automated voice was enough. 

This is a pretty weird way to start a post and it's definitely not my usual style. 

But as I'm writing this on the first day of 2018 I have a mixture of emotions running through me and I know a lot of you will too. 

There's sometimes a sense of uncertainty within me that makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world. 

Does anyone else think like me? 

Does anyone else do what I do? 

I haven't met one soul yet that's an identical match of what I'm made up of. 

Sometimes it's scary 

Sometimes it's empowering. 

Since my kids helpline years (I never once spoke to someone there with a real voice) I've had this battle between who I am and who society deems I should be. 

Go to school they say. 

Go to uni they say. 

Get a 38 hour per week job. Or maybe two. 

Don't spend. Hold every penny close to you. 

It's a lot. 

And sometimes I feel like a complete psycho because I don't like what society says I should be doing. 

I don't want to be doing it. 

I don't want to work everyday just to buy a pair of shoes I do not need for a photo that I do not need to take to put up on a social media account that does not determine my worth. 

What am I proving? 

That the shoes make me a better person? 

Or maybe that I am some what normal. 

Do these materialistic goods determine who we really are? 

I get it. Buying things gives you a fucking rush. It makes you feel so powerful 

Like "yeah I just fucking bought that $1300 iPhone with cash". 

But then what? You own the phone for a week and the rush goes. 

Okay so onto the next item. 

But it's never ever enough 

It never is

I plan my life around holidays - "If I travel here I'm going to feel amazing. I'm going to feel free. I'm going to feel liberated" 

How do I feel right now? Alone. Empty. Anxious. 

Why? Because I don't have that holiday. And in my mind until I get that holiday I won't find happiness either. 

I hope to god that writing this resinates with at least one of you. 

You are not alone. 

You are more than your items. 

You are a beautiful soul with so much potential. 

Your potential is actually crazy

And we are walking this earth with literally no idea what amazing, creative, spritiual, enlightened beings we are. 

"They just got lucky" - no they didn't. they tapped into their ability. They chased their dreams. And they KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT that they could do it. 

My one wish for this year is to create change

To empower people

To live my truth 

We are more than our Instagram photos

We are more than our possessions

Our happiness is tied to US 

And when we start to see that, no one can hurt us

No circumstance or situation can shake us 

So as the first post of my "Dear Diary" series, I wish you all a happy new year. 

2018 is just another year 

2018 is just another set of numbers that does not determine who we are 

But make the most of it anyway 

Be you

Monique Glasby. All rights reserved. © Maira Gall.